This is Going to Hurt PDF Book by Adam Kay


Click here to Download This is Going to Hurt PDF Book by Adam Kay English having PDF Size 2.3 MB and No of Pages 191.

The decision to work in medicine is basically a version of the email you get in early October asking you to choose your menu options for the work Christmas party. No doubt you’ll choose the chicken, to be on the safe side, and it’s more than likely everything will be all right.

This is Going to Hurt PDF Book by Adam Kay

Name of Book This is Going to Hurt
Author Adam Kay
PDF Size 2.3 MB
No of Pages 191
Language  English
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But what if someone shares a ghastly factory farming video on Facebook the day before and you inadvertently witness a mass debeaking? What if Morrissey dies in November and, out of respect for him, you turn your back on a lifestyle thus far devoted almost exclusively to consuming meat?

What if you develop a life-threatening allergy to escalopes? Ultimately, no one knows what they’ll fancy for dinner in sixty dinners’ time. Every doctor makes their career choice aged sixteen, two years before they’re legally allowed to text a photo of their own genitals.

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When you sit down and pick your A levels, you’re set off on a trajectory that continues until you either retire or die and, unlike your work Christmas party, Janet from procurement won’t swap your chicken for her halloumi skewers – you’re stuck with it.

At sixteen, your reasons for wanting to pursue a career in medicine are generally along the lines of ‘My mum/dad’s a doctor’, ‘I quite like Holby City’ or ‘I want to cure cancer’. Reasons one and two are ludicrous, and reason three would be perfectly fine – if a little earnest – were it not for the fact that’s what research scientists do, not doctors.

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Besides, holding anyone to their word at that age seems a bit unfair, on a par with declaring the ‘I want to be an astronaut’ painting you did aged five a legally binding document. Personally, I don’t remember medicine ever being an active career decision, more just the default setting for my life – the marimba ringtone.

The stock photo of a mountain range as your computer background. I grew up in a Jewish family (although they were mostly in it for the food); went to the kind of school that’s essentially a sausage factory designed to churn out medics, lawyers and cabinet members; and my dad was a doctor. It was written on the walls.

I extend condolences to the patient’s wife, and suggest she might want to wait outside while I perform some formalities, but she says she’d rather stay. I’m not sure why; I don’t think she is either. Perhaps every moment with him matters, even if he’s no longer with us. This is Going to Hurt PDF Book

Or maybe she wants to check I’m not one of those doctors she’s read about in the Mail who does unspeakable things to the deceased. Anyway, she’s settling down in her front-row seat whether I like it or not. I’ve pronounced three deaths before, but this is the first time I’ve had a captive audience.

I feel I should have laid on refreshments. She clearly doesn’t realize quite how tense, silent and drawn-out this evening’s performance is going to be – more Pinter than Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. I confirm the patient’s identity from his hospital wristband, check visually for respiratory effort, check there’s no response to verbal or physical stimuli.

Feel for a carotid pulse, check with a torch that pupils are fixed and dilated. Check watch and listen with stethoscope for heart sounds for two minutes. Then listen for lung sounds for another three minutes. Overkill feels like an inappropriate word, but five minutes is an extraordinarily long time when you’re standing motionless under brilliant white light. This is Going to Hurt PDF Book

Your stethoscope pressed against a definitely dead man’s chest, observed by his grieving wife. This is why we try and get them out of the room for this bit. I understand why we take the time to make sure – it’s kind of a dealbreaker with death.

The almost-widow keeps asking if I am OK – I don’t know whether she thinks I’m too upset to move or have just forgotten what to do next in the death-pronouncing – but every time she says something I leap up like . . . well, like a doctor hearing a noise while listening carefully to the chest of a corpse.

Once I peel myself off the ceiling and compose myself, I confirm the sad news to her and document my findings. It was certainly an agonizing five minutes, but if the whole medicine thing goes tits-up, I’m only a tin of silver Dulux and an old crate away from a gig in Covent Garden as a ‘living statue’. This is Going to Hurt PDF Book

I’ve assisted registrars and consultants in fifteen caesareans now. On three or four occasions they’ve offered to let me operate while they teach me the steps, but on every occasion I’ve wimped out – I’m now the only SHO of the new cohort not to have lost my virginity, as Ernie is so keen on putting it.

Ernie doesn’t give me any option today – he introduces me to the patient as the surgeon who’s going to deliver her baby. And so I do. Cherry well and truly popped, and with a live audience. I cut through human skin for the first time, open up a uterus for the first time and deliver a baby abdominally for the first time.

I’d like to say it was an amazing experience, but I was concentrating far too hard on every step to actually take any of it in. The caesarean takes a laborious fifty-five minutes from start to end, and Ernie is remarkably patient with me. As I clean up the wound afterwards, he points out that my incision was on the wonk by about ten degrees. This is Going to Hurt PDF Book

He says to the patient, ‘You’ll notice when you take the dressing off that we had to go in at a bit of an angle,’ which she somehow seems to accept without question – the miracle of motherhood sugaring that particular pill. Ernie shows me how to write up the operation notes and debriefs me over coffee.

Stretching his virginity metaphor to within an inch of its life like he’s some kind of sex pervert. Apparently, with practice my technique will improve, it’ll get less bloody and less nerve-wracking, and eventually it’ll all just start feeling like a boring routine. The anaesthetist chips in: ‘I wouldn’t try and make your performance last any longer though.’

It’s 2 a.m. and there’s not much doing on labour ward so I slope off to the on-call room to catch up on some personal admin (Adamin?) and stare at Facebook for a bit. I comment on how cute a friend’s latest ugly baby looks, which I can do very convincingly as I spend a large proportion of my working day doing the same thing to total strangers. This is Going to Hurt PDF Book Download

For me, the true miracle of childbirth is that smart, rational people with jobs and the ability to vote look at these half-melted fleshy blobs, their heads misshapen from being squeezed through a pelvis, covered in five types of horrendous gunk, looking like they’ve spent a good two hours rolling around on top of a deep-pan pizza.

And honestly believe they look beautiful. It’s Darwinism in action, an irrational love for your progeny. The same hardwired desire to keep the species going that sees them come back to labour ward for round two, eighteen months after the irreparable destruction of their perineum.

The other miracle of childbirth is that I can put metal forceps on a baby’s head and lean backwards – applying 20 kg of traction force on it, generally getting a sweat on – and the baby comes out absolutely fine, rather than, as you might expect, decapitated. Once it’s born, every new mother obsesses over keeping the head straight with a cradled hand. This is Going to Hurt PDF Book Download

If photographs could talk, ‘Careful of his neck!’ is the shriek you’d hear over any picture of a childless relative posing with a newborn. But I’m pretty sure you could carry it by its head and it’d be totally OK. I’m just going through exes’ profiles to check they’re colossally miserable and overweight without me when I see a post pop up from Simon.

A school friend’s younger brother. He’s twenty-two and even though I’ve only spoken to him twice, a decade ago, this is Facebook, where everyone’s your friend. It’s simple and devastatingly effective. Four words: ‘Goodbye everyone. I’m done.’

I realize I’m probably the only person to be reading this at 2.30 a.m. on a Monday, so I send him a private message to ask if he’s OK. I say I’m awake, remind him I’m a doctor and give him my mobile number. I’m scrolling through my phone to see if I have his brother’s number, when Simon rings. This is Going to Hurt PDF Book Download

He’s an absolute mess: drunk, crying. He’s just split up with his girlfriend. I’m off sick for the first time since qualifying. Work weren’t exactly sympathetic. ‘Oh, for fuck’s sake,’ spat my registrar when I rang in. ‘Can’t you just come in for the morning?’ I explained I had quite bad food poisoning and was in some kind of gastrointestinal meltdown.

‘Fine,’ he said with the kind of weary, simmering passive-aggression I normally only get at home. ‘But phone around and find someone who’s on leave to cover you.’ I’m pretty sure this isn’t the protocol at Google or GlaxoSmithKline or even Ginsters. Is there a single other workplace where you’d conceivably be asked to arrange your own sickness cover?

The North Korean army maybe? I wonder what level of illness would stop it from being my responsibility. Broken pelvis? Lymphoma? Or just when I was intubated on ITU and denied the power of speech? Luckily, I could manage to force out a few words in between bouts of vomiting (if not in between bouts of diarrhoea), so I was able to organize a stand-in. This is Going to Hurt PDF Book Free

I didn’t explain what I was doing during the call – it probably sounded like I’d gone paintballing. And I now owe her a shift in return, so it’s not even sick leave. I’d always suspected if I ended up off sick it would be work that caused it. My money would have been on some form of emotional collapse.

Maybe renal failure from dehydration, getting beaten up by an angry relative or smashing my car into a tree after a sleep-deprived night shift. As it happens, it was an altogether stealthier assassin – a portion of noxious homemade moussaka from a labouring patient’s mother.

I can be fairly sure that was the culprit: it was the only thing I’d managed to eat all day. There should be a saying about Greeks bearing gifts, I thought, shitting through the eye of a hypodermic needle, the taste of bile and faint tinge of aubergine in my throat. This is Going to Hurt PDF Book Free

Called to A&E to review a gentleman in his seventies. I check with the A&E officer that he realizes he’s bleeped gynaecology: reviewing a man would be rather pushing my remit. It’s complicated, apparently; he’ll explain when I get down there. I meet patient NS, a Sikh gentleman who speaks no English at all.

He is on holiday, visiting family, and has been unhelpfully accompanied to the hospital by a relative who also speaks no English. His history is therefore taken with the assistance of a telephone interpreter service – in this instance, a Punjabi translator is on the line and the phone is passed back and forth.

This particular interpreter may have rather fudged his CV – he seems to be able to speak only slightly more Punjabi than someone who can’t speak any Punjabi whatsoever. The stoic A&E staff have been making glacial progress using the interpreter, and relay what they’ve established: This is Going to Hurt PDF Book Free

The patient is bleeding from ‘down below’, has been doing so for the past week and – crucially to my attendance – is a hermaphrodite.* I tell the A&E officer that I sincerely doubt this elderly bearded man is part of the intersex community, and ask to speak to the interpreter.

‘Can you ask if the patient has a womb?’ The phone gets passed back, and the patient starts to repeat a word to us very loudly and angrily in Punjabi. The patient furiously unbuttons his shirt to reveal a Port-a-Cath* – our eureka moment. In unison we all say, ‘Haemophiliac!’ and I leave them to deal with his rectal bleed.

Aside from the fact I know what less than half of these words mean (and most of those are prepositions), I can’t help wondering how it’s relevant to my baby-delivering abilities. But if it’s what my insane demonic overlords want me to know, who am I to argue? This is Going to Hurt PDF Book Free

Another textbook cheerily informs me that ‘It’s quite possible to revise for MRCOG Part One in just six months, with an hour or two’s study every evening.’